Snuggles and Christian opening presents together, Christmas 2014. Our first Christmas after John crossed over.
One thing I regret was my fear of telling others that John was gay. I was not ashamed of my son; quite the contrary, actually. My problem was that the majority of my friends were conservative Christians. I did not want to hear about my son, who I love and adore, spending eternity in hell. I told only those who I trusted: my two best friends. My one best friend, as I have mentioned, has been in my life since we were nine years old. She is a pastor’s wife but her husband leads a church in one of the more open minded and loving denominations and she did not feel my son was going to hell. Of course, John is like a nephew to her, but she feels this way about anybody.
My second best friend, I met in the conservative church I was attending about 13 years ago. Although this friend is more conservative than my childhood best friend, she is more open minded and loving than the average conservative Christian.
The day John crossed over, I informed my church friends. Other than my best friend, Susan, from church, this was a huge mistake. When I phoned one friend, all she could do is quote bible verse after bible verse. There was no “I am sorry” or “what can I do for you?” I found this infuriating and hurtful, although I realize that she did not mean it that way.
Another friend kept sending text message after text message of bible passages. My nerves were frayed as it was but the constant notifications from my phone was making me nuts. I called Susan and asked her to phone our mutual friend and ask if she could stop. This did not work and a couple days later, as Christian and I were running late for our appointment at the funeral home, my phone was buzzing constantly. I was a nervous wreck and running late. I again phoned Susan who was shocked that the texts had not stopped, she promised to phone our friend again. As soon as we hung up I received another bible passage text. Christian became angered, grabbed my phone, deleted everything that was on it, turned it off and would not return it to me. At sixteen he knew when enough was enough and felt I needed a break from the phone.
A couple weeks later, the first friend I mentioned who could only quote verses to me, came over to my home for a visit. We sat on my back porch having tea and talking. She is an extremely conservative Christian whose mother was a pastor years before. It was then that I finally told her that John was gay. Her face became very sad. She then told me that I should still be happy because I know Jesus and I am going to heaven. I naturally became very furious. My son is a good and beautiful Soul. We love each other and should be together for eternity. I told my friend, “if my son is in hell, I will do everything I can to be with him. I love my son more than your god who I have never seen or held.” I have not seen this friend since.
I began to receive communication from John very quickly. I began to hear him telepathically and we would have many fluid conversations. This surprised him because I never told him I can communicate with Spirits. It was not something you spoke of back in my day, especially with my family situation, society and being in the church. He then began to do things such as move inanimate objects right before my eyes. I do not mean that I saw this out of my peripheral vision or that these objects moved slightly. It was when I was looking at the objects full on and they moved distances or were thrown. I will go into more detail on that in anther blog post.
As John mentioned the other day, Erik Medhus (refer to our Resource Page) led me to a book that he and his mother wrote, “My Son And The Afterlife”. I read this book with great gusto and it literally saved my life. I really did not want to live anymore. I had been afraid for years to use my psychic abilities but the thought of not having a relationship with John for the rest of my life was not acceptable. Elisa and Erik gave me the hope that I needed. I began following their blog and YouTube channel, and still do to this day.
Before John crossed over we had many good and deep conversations. This is just what we did. Since he was an Atheist and I was a Christian, we had many talks about religion. I believe it was John who set me on my path to Spiritual Awakening long before he crossed over. He got me to question things I had been taught I never should question. I began to question what belief actually was, what I believed and why I believed it. I began to attend church less and less and began to enjoy the freedom. John’s crossing over pretty much clinched it for me and I never returned to church after his memorial service.
I began a Spiritual quest. I needed as much information as I could find on what Spirituality was, how to heal myself and how to find out who I truly was (as opposed to what family, society, school and religion told me I was). I began to research and work on bringing my abilities back.
I soon came across Bob Olson and “Afterlife TV”. I love his show because Bob is so down to earth and practical. He was an attorney who was asked by a friend to find proof of the afterlife and defend it. I think before this he was not a “believer”. He is still very practical and looks for and provides proof. I watched an episode with a father who lost his son in a night club fire in New York several years ago.He spoke of the signs he receives from his son and wanted to help other parents. I contacted him immediately and was given the name of a very good medium whose prices are very fair. Her name is Lisa Powers (you can find her information on our Resource Page).
I set up a phone appointment for John’s 27th birthday. Lisa is truly gifted and a beautiful Spirit. We had a great time but Lisa told me that I did not need her because I could communicate with my children myself.
I again made an appointment with Lisa in May. Again she told me that I did not need her and she said John would like for me to start automatic writing to begin to get my psychic abilities back. A couple weeks prior I had mentioned to my cousin that the idea of writing a book about the signs and communications John was sending kept popping into my head. I told her it was a serious and big endevour and I really was not sure I wanted to do it. During my second reading with Lisa she told me John wanted to write this book and that he is the one who kept putting the idea in my head.
Shortly after, I began to do automatic writing. I was shocked at how quick and easy it was. It seemed as soon as I picked up the pen, it began to move on its own. At first it was just scribbles, then a letter “J” or “S” here and there. Then words here and there, such as “Love”, “John” and “Mom”. It quickly became more fluid but I needed to battle my nasty subconscious for quite some time before I was actually able to truly communicate fluidly. Now it is a breeze and I can communicate with any Spirit I wish to.
I soon discovered Spiritual teachers such as Teal Swan, Ralph Smart and Bernard Alvarez. You can find their information on our Resource page. Teal Swan was someone I could really relate to. She has helped learn how to heal myself and I still follow her videos today.
Ralph Smart is very a beautiful and light hearted being. He talks much about loving and accepting yourself. He is very for being your authentic self and has been such a huge help to me.
Bernard Alvarez is truly amazing. He is a Spiritual activist who brings light upon the things that are not right with society. He is very practical and down to earth while being extremely knowledgeable about the Spiritual side of everything.
With the help of those listed above, I began my Spiritual quest, journey and healing; however, the first year after John crossed over was still very difficult. Especially when December rolled around. December has always been difficult for me because the holidays were not really pleasant in my family and then my son, Ricky, crossed over on December 11, 1996. Now I had to deal with December 14, which was the last day I had seen John in the Physical Realm, and December 22, which is John’s birthday.
As December drew nearer it became increasingly difficult for me to cope. My grief became more intense and the stress of what may be expected of me during the holidays was too much to bear and I began to crack a bit (thankfully, I did not go off the deep end as I had several years prior).
On my birthday, November 3, I took my car in for its emissions test so I could renew my license plates. For the first time ever, my car did not pass the test. I took the list of violations to my mechanic who looked at it and just shook his head. When I asked if he felt it was worth getting it fixed, he gave me his look which means “uuuhhh, no”. I junked my car and have not had one since.
A couple weeks later I decided to upgrade my phone and bought a used iPhone from the Verizon site. Verizon is the only cell phone company that will work in my house (I do not have a landline because I do not believe in paying for two phones) but when I upgraded the phone would not work in my house. They exchanged it for a new a one and that one did not work either. While this was going on I e-mailed my sister to have her tell my mom my phone situation and that I would call as soon as the problem was rectified. I was expected to call my mother everyday so I thought I should have my sister explain the situation.
My phone would ring but upon answering, the call would drop within a minute a two. My mom, who rarely ever calls her children, decided that she would take this time to call me. She called repeatedly. I e-mailed my sister again who was shocked to find my mom was calling me after she told her the situation. My mom was relentless and kept trying to phone for a couple weeks. Needless to say, my nerves were already frayed and this was making me a mess.
When December 14 rolled around I could take no more. I became suicidal again and made plans to take my life. While preparing I could hear my daughter Tina’s voice loud and clear. This is one time that she was actually annoying me. She kept saying “mom, you need to call dad.” For some reason, I decided to look up the website for the Suicide Prevention Center. Tina said, “no, not them. That did not go well the last time. Call dad.” I was afraid to call Bryce because in the past he was difficult to deal with under these circumstances. It was immediately to the hospital with no other option. There was a time that we had an argument right before I was to go for an outpatient shock treatment. Bryce took this as me going down hill and called the ambulance. They determined, correctly, that I was not suicidal but Bryce had gotten to the point that any mood of mine that was not a good mood meant a suicide attempt. Tina said that it was OK to call dad now because he would handle it differently than he had in the past. I really did not believe her but texted Bryce anyway.
He eventually ended up at my house and we talked, and I cried. He mentioned that he and Christian would take care of my house and Snuggles while I was gone. When I told him no hospital he said that everything would still be here when I got back. I then explained to him my issues with hospitals. I told him that first of all, you do nothing but sit there for a few days. There is no therapy session groups as there were the first time I was hospitalized at the age of 28. He vehemently agreed with me on this as this was something that angered him a great deal when we were married. They would release me after of a couple of days sitting there with no treatment. He says they are nothing but money making machines. I then told him about the dark energy in these hospitals. To my surprise, my once conservative and close minded husband understood what I was saying and backed down from trying to talk me into going to the hospital.
He spent the night and we agreed that I should spend the month of December at his place. I packed up myself and Snuggles and Bryce picked us up. On the way to his house my phone began to ring. It was my mother again and my phone was still incapable of receiving calls that would not drop. I became very anxious and Bryce said, “the best thing that could have happened to you right now is not having a phone and a car.” He was right. Having ME/CFS and being a newly grieving mom was not enough to help me set boundaries. The Universe sent me a great gift.
The holidays were nice and quiet with just me, Bryce and Christian. Of course, John, Tina and Ricky were with us also. That year ended up being the best holidays I ever had. – Michelle