Somewhere in Switzerland (I think). Photography by Christian Schill
Who am I? is a very vague question to answer. We cannot really explain our true essence to someone. The question normally implies that the questioner would like to know what you do for a living, what are your hobbies/interests, are you a parent, sibling, spouse, etc. But are these title who you truly are?
I must admit that for a very long while after John crossed over, I was terrified to leave my house. I live in a small town and it is very rare that you go into town and not run into someone you know. I felt as if I had the title “Grieving Mother” stamped on my forehead. I was afraid of people asking questions or looking at me with pity. Sure enough, this did happen and I became somewhat of a recluse.
I must admit that I wore that title for awhile and wore it willingly and proudly. I am not quite sure why that was. Maybe it was because I had found an on-line group of grieving mothers and I now belonged to an exclusive club, which no one really wants to belong to. Maybe I wanted to prove to the world that I was tough. Maybe I wanted pity. Maybe I wanted an excuse. I think out of this list, the last item may hit closest to home.
Through my study of Spirituality I learned that all the roles and titles that we give ourselves really are not us. They are not our true essence. They are the roles we play on this stage we call Earth. We change year to year, month to month, day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. Who we are at one given moment is not the same as who we are in the next second. Right now, I am a person typing on a laptop. In about an hour or so I will be a person falling asleep for the night. And my dreams? Well, dreams move even faster than the Physical Realm and I will change even quicker in the Dream Realm.
If we change this often then we are not our story, our history, our past. My earlier blog post speak of my life; however, that is not who I am now. I am an entirely different person than I was in the posts I wrote about. I think that newborns are closest to being their true authentic selves than any other group of people. They have just come from the Spirit Realm and have more “memory” of it than us older folks. They have not been scarred and brainwashed by society yet. They are in their truest form; yet, moment by moment they also change and begin to forget their true essence.
It is when I began to realize this that I decided I would not spend the rest of my life walking around with the label of “Grieving Mother”. Yes, I lost three children, but is that truly who I am? Is that my essence? No. The fact that I have been wife, mother, daughter, sister, secretary, crafter, artist, etc. does not make any of these my true essence. I will admit that on a day where my grief is more difficult than usual, I do proudly wear the “Grieving Mother” uniform; however, I change clothes as quickly as I can. It is an event that happened in my life, not my true essence.
True essence, in and of itself, is difficult to explain. You are just you. You are existence observing. Consciousness observing. When you become advanced in meditation it is easier to understand this because there are times, during meditation, when you feel your true essence. You are merely there in the vast Universe, doing nothing but observing. The truth is that we need to understand that this is who we truly are. It may sound boring; however, once you experience it, you will find it to be beautiful. There is so much more than what we experience in the Physical Realm. Our time here is brief and we will be reunited with our loved ones in Spirit quickly. – Michelle