This is a cross stitch I made for John many years ago. This reminded me of him so much due to his love of nature.
“What will people think?”
This is a mantra I grew up with and lived my entire life with. It has controlled and effected every aspect of my life. From the time I was a very little girl until now it has haunted me.
I have spent my life trying to prove myself to others. I constantly tried to fit in by being something I was not in order to save face. I did this in school, at work, in church, at social functions, etc. This controlled me to the point that I had absolutely no confidence in who I was. I thought she was a terrible person that no one could even like, let alone love.
Even my passions, the things I loved to do the most and which brought me joy, I hid from the world for fear of being judged and criticized. For years I did not draw because I felt I was not good enough for the world’s definition of art. I did not sew very much for the very same reason. Although my best friend constantly encouraged my writing and even bought be a beautiful writing journal one Christmas, I eventually gave up writing, especially poetry.
Rarely did I ever express my deepest thoughts, beliefs and knowings. I hid my psychic abilities most of my life, which was extremely exhausting for me and caused me much depression. I was afraid of being thought weird or crazy. I pretended to think and believe as those around me did in order to gain love and acceptance.
The problem is that you cannot hide your true self 24/7. You will eventually slip and be found out. This makes for a very stressful situation. All of my efforts did the opposite of what I had thought they would. I lived a life of severe depression, therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists, medications and hospitals.
Over the past few years I have been gradually learning that the true me is actually a unique and beautiful being. I have found that being me is actually a good thing and those who cannot deal with it really have no business being in my life.
Learning this is one thing. I now know this on an intellectual level but I now need to absorb this into my heart. I need my entire being to accept this concept, from my Spirit right down to the tinniest cell in my body.
I have found this learning process to be difficult yet very freeing and I have not required medications nor doctors in quite a few years. I have slowly changed my perception of myself and have done “house cleaning”. This has made me much happier and I enjoy life so much more these days. The Universe is still throwing tests at me to make sure I stand my ground but lately I seem to be passing them with flying colors. – Michelle