The last photo my sons ever took together, August 2012. Christian on the left and John on the right.
I will never forget that day. Of all significant days in my life that day was the most significant, the most devastating, the most horrible and the most tragic. That day changed things, everything: me, my world, my perspective, etc. It was that day…Mother’s Day, May 11, 2014, which transformed me forever.
My darling son, my sweet baby boy, my eldest child, took his own life at the age of 26.
John had been acting strangely for quite some time and I had many sleepless nights lying in bed crying and praying for him. My worry was constant, 24/7. I should not have been surprised that this day had arrived. In my heart I knew it was coming. I knew since he was conceived. For 27 years I had premonitions about this day…I just did not know how or when. With the way John had been behaving I knew the day was approaching quickly, but when it finally did arrive, I was shocked.
John and I had always been very close but one of his odd behaviors was paranoia. He accused me of doing something I would never do and did not speak with me for five months. I did not know where he was living or what his phone number was as he had changed both. I tried in vain to search for him via Google. Only my son could know how to hide from the far seeing eyes of the internet.
My two little musicians and my two little fishies.
I awoke that Mother’s Day morning with plans to go to dinner with my family. I opened my e-mails at 6:50 am that morning. I was pleasantly surprised to find an e-mail from John, which he had sent ten minutes prior. I thought he had gotten over his anger and he was wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day. My pleasure was short lived, however. I noticed that he sent a copy of the e-mail to my sister and there was a copy of an e-mail for his father sent to me and my sister. I immediately became suspicious.
The first paragraph was filled with the most beautiful and loving words, which I had not heard from my son in a very long time. I then knew what was coming and just began to repeat over and over the word “no, no”. I quickly skimmed the next paragraphs but really could not absorb their contents. I know they were filled with goodbye and instructions. Although I never read the e-mail, I carry it around in my wallet to this day.
I picked up the phone and dialed 911. I did not know if they could help us because John had told me he was on Isla de Mujeres in Mexico and I was in Northeast Ohio. I then called my sister and began screaming hysterically for her to look at her e-mail. I attempted to call John but only had his old number, therefore, there was no reaching him.
A police officer arrived at my home shortly after 7:00 am. He was very kind and did his best to track John down via Facebook. He had been conversing with cousins and friends via Facebook throughout the night so the police officer felt it was our best bet. I knew the time frame John had via the method he used. The last person to hear from him was his paternal aunt a few minutes before 8:00 am. At 8:10 am a very strange feeling came over me and I thought I felt John standing in my living room in front of my hutch. At about 8:15 am the police officer turned to me and said that he did not think he could find my son in time. I told the officer that it was already too late.
The rest of that day and for weeks and months later were nothing but blurs to me. It was if I was in and out of consciousness while actually remaining awake and mobile. I was in shock. I was in shock as I had never experienced it before. The shock did not abate for approximately 18 months.
I did know that I had a decision to make at some point. I had to decide how I was going to live the rest of my life. I felt I had two options: be a bitter and angry old woman until I, myself, crossed over, or I could do something with this tragedy to benefit myself and others. I chose the latter. For a very long time I did not know how I was going to accomplish this but gradually, over time, the pieces fell into place.
I began by rethinking my life, my beliefs and my perspective on things. How did these things serve me? Did they still serve me? Would the status quo help me heal from the worst tragedy of my life? My answer was that I would not heal if things remained the same. The way my life had been was detrimental to my health in the past. Now I knew that it would literally destroy me.
I began by looking inside myself to discover who I truly was because I had absolutely no idea. I had spent my entire life play acting to please others, to gain love and acceptance, and out of fear of damnation. My life had rarely been a pleasant one. I decided to learn about things such as meditation and Spirituality. I found them both helpful in my healing and discovering my true self. I found them both extremely freeing.
I then decided that I no longer cared what others thought about my psychic abilities and chose to hide them no longer. Through much work I honed them and brought them back. As I told an ex-friend of mine, “if you think my son is in hell because he was gay, then I will do everything I can to get to hell. I love my son more than your abstract god.” I never truly believed my son would go to hell but I would sometimes fear that the church might be right. But, that is the plan, isn’t it? Have the masses live in fear and doubt. It makes them so much easier to control. As for a place called hell, that was another thing I had my doubts about and these days I am absolutely positive it does not exist. So I very happily, and with no fear nor guilt, continue my relationships with my three oldest children and the rest of my family and friends who are in Spirit. Now, this does serve me.
I gradually began to reach out to and help other grieving mothers. I made myself available should they need to talk and John and I would answer their questions about Spiritual matters, particularly regarding their children who are in Spirit. Many of these poor women would contact me crying due to hurtful and ignorant things people would say about their child who crossed over. You would be amazed at the ignorant things people say to grieving mothers and their hurtful actions and attitudes towards women who are experiencing the worse pain of their lives. It never ceases to amaze me.
I gradually began blogging in conjunction with John. I have the ability to not only communicate with Spirits but also to allow them the use of my hands. This is how John, Tina, Ricky, my dad and other Spirits write guest blog posts here. It is also how John grabs things off the shelves when I am shopping. Some things never change. Through our blog we want to teach about Spirituality and what death truly is. The perception of death that most of society has is an illusion and lie and does nothing to aide in the healing of our grief. We also believe that this knowledge leads to freedom and knowing who you truly are. Where will go from here remains to be seen.
If I had chosen the first option after that fateful day, I would either be sitting here, nearly three years later, a very depressed, angry and bitter woman or I would have taken my own life by now. Through choosing to use this tragedy to improve myself and my life I now enjoy life as I never had before. Helping others and teaching about Spiritual things has brought me great joy. Helping others always brought me joy throughout my life but those moments used to be so far and few between because I was always the needy one. I believe that it is through service that we truly heal.
That day is still very painful for me and I still grieve. Writing this blog post was difficult and as I am sitting here my eyes well with tears, however, I am now living my dream life. I am using my abilities, gifts and talents to help others and make a living. Gone are the days of merely doing whatever I could in jobs I loathed to make ends meet. Gone are the days of believing being an artist is no way to earn a living. Most importantly, gone are the days of believing that being a psychic medium is sinful.
The choice is always yours. The power is in your hands no matter how tragic the situation. – Michelle