My darling sons, John (left) and Christian (right)
For the last three years, this week of the year has been very difficult for me. I relive the moments of that fateful Mother’s Day in 2014 as if they were happening now. It seems that each year, the length of time that this occurs gets shorter. The first year I began to have anxiety, depression, nightmares and flashbacks in the beginning of March. This went on until after Mother’s Day.
Last year it began around the middle of April and ended after Mother’s Day. Last year seemed to be a little bit easier than the previous but it was also easier than this year. This was something I had trouble figuring out on my own. I expected this year to be easier.
This year it began to happen more towards the end of April. I did not have nightmares but all the rest began to occur. It seemed as if I cried much more and the depression felt more intense this year. Because I expected this year to be easier, not more difficult, than the previous two, I was confused. I decided to channel my Higher Self for an explanation.
What she told was that I was actually doing better this year. The difference was that because of the things I have learned over the past few years on my Spiritual journey, I am no longer afraid to let my grief out. I am no longer worried about what others will think of my grief and I realize that letting it out is the best thing for me. I do not know why I did not think of this but she is looking at things from a much higher and different perspective.
It is the week right before Mother’s Day which is the worst. The crying is more frequent, more intense and lasts much longer. I spent all day this past Tuesday crying with no desire to speak to anyone.
The day my son took his life was Mother’s Day, May 11, 2014. I feel as if both Mother’s Day and May 11 marks the day of his transition but Mother’s Day is much more difficult for me than May 11. What I have realized is that the anticipation of those days is worse than the actual days themselves, yet still I live in dread and anxiousness of Mother’s Day every year. Even though my youngest son makes the day very special for me, it is still difficult for me on that day. The morning is the worst. The morning was when everything began, from about 6:50 am until 10:00 am when the police officer left my home. After that everything is a foggy blur and I do not remember the rest of the day other than the long wait for the police to find the body of my son, John.
As John mentioned earlier today, I have begun a tradition to help get me through the day of May 11. John’s last place of residence was Ann Arbor, Michigan. We go up there because John recommended that when I am there I should go to the cafe which he frequently went to and have a vanilla fig latte. The first time I tried this latte I loved it (my son knows me well) and that is when I decided to make this a yearly tradition. It helps to keep my mind from reliving the events of that day and we have a lot of fun.
We live in Northeast Ohio so the drive to Ann Arbor is approximately 3 hours. We take the scenic route on the way there, which runs along Lake Erie. We stop in a quaint little town called Vermillion, Ohio so that I can stop at the Swan Creek Candle outlet and the Silly Goose Gift Shop (a nickname I had for John when he was a little boy). Yesterday we took some time to sit on the beach which was very relaxing. My niece purchased an electronic voice recorder and we tried to use it at the beach. It was quite windy yesterday and the Lake choppy so the noise made it difficult to hear anything but the noise on this side of the veil. I did, however, for a very brief moment hear John say something. I could not catch the entire sentence and had to remove the earpiece in order to hear John in our usual fashion of communicating, which I found a bit odd. When I removed the earpiece he said that he was saying “hi, we are all here” (meaning our entire family who is in Spirit).
After my little shopping excursion we headed to Ann Arbor. While in the car my family in Spirit was teasing me and I them. My father was requesting that my son, Christian, play Bob Seger or Credence Clearwater Revival on the stereo. I did not inform Christian of his grandfather’s request but obviously Christian heard him and did not realize it. Christian put on CCR and my dad pronounced himself now happy. My son has a habit of channeling his brother and grandfather and does not even realize that he does. My dad loves to use Christian to tell his typical silly jokes and John uses his little brother to make comments he would make to me when he was still in the Physical Realm.
I was very open to the Spirit Realm yesterday, which made the day even more fun. The problem was that Spirits outside of my family also wanted my attention. My family or the Spirits I know from this life will either zap, tickle or touch my right hand to get my attention. While I was sitting in the car I suddenly began to feel a strong tingling sensation at the lower back right side of my head. I was startled and wondered who it was because I knew it was not anyone who was familiar to me. I ignored this Spirit so as not to encourage anyone but family to attempt to communicate with me yesterday.
I was in the back seat with my niece, who also has psychic abilities, and we enjoyed the ride while speaking of all things woo woo and communicating with our family in Spirit. I was telling her a story about my grandmother when I felt my hand being zapped quite severely. When I perked up my Spiritual ears heard my grandmother saying that I was making fun of her (all her grandchildren enjoyed teasing her because it was great fun). I said, “grandma, I am not teasing you. I am merely telling Maria the story.” She then put an image in my head of her chasing me while waving her flattened hand back and forth. I then heard her say, “I am going to give you an ahah in the oohooh”. I began to laugh because this is something that she would tease all her grandchildren with. This gesture with her hand and that statement meant that when she got her hands on us we were going to get our butts beat.
We arrived at the Songbird Cafe and ordered our lunch and, of course, my yearly latte. My son Christian always teased that John was a hipster. I never knew what this meant but I think after yesterday I finally get it. We walk into the cafe and Christian just kept repeating “this is so John”. He then deemed the food way to healthy and fancy for his tastes and he and his girlfriend went to McDonald’s while my niece and I ordered at the Songbird. We met up in front of the cafe and all ate together outside.
My niece and I found a wonderful vape shop in the center of town where the University is. They mix the liquid to order right in front of you and it is the best I have ever experienced. My niece and I wish we could order on-line but, on the bright side, it gives us something else to look forward to next year.
While I was walking through the University area, I began to notice that the style of the young people has not really changed over the last few years. Many of them dressed and wore their hair similar to John did. So many of them reminded of my John. The strangest thing to happen, though, was that a young man who was not Chinese, walked past me while talking on his cell phone in fluent Chinese. The reason this was odd was because John was the only person I had ever come across who spoke fluent Chinese and was not Chinese.
Before heading for home we stopped at Sweetwater Tea and Coffee where I purchased the most delicious Ceylon and passion fruit tea. Then a little ways down the freeway is my son Christian’s favorite place, Cabella’s. This is the largest and most unique hunting store I have ever seen. While my son spends time in the store, I like to sit by the huge monument of the bears. While my niece and I were walking to the monument we heard Christian calling for us. There were tents set up outside of the store and when we looked in that direction we found Christian and his girlfriend peering out from inside one f the tents. Christian yells out “we’re intense”. I think he may have been channeling his grandfather again but it is hard to tell because I think my dad has rubbed off my son and he also tells silly joke. If you don’t get it, re-read it and think about it.
I eventually snuck into Cabella’s and surprised Christian with a mug which looked wood grained and had a picture of deer on it and also a magnet in the shape of a deer.
I have probably bored you with all the detail of how I spent the anniversary of my son’s transition but I enjoyed myself so much that I wanted to share it and I also want to give other griever’s an example of how to get through the day, enjoy it and spend it with your loved ones in Spirit.
I did not think much about Mother’s Day today. I merely spent the day being very lazy while cuddling with my dog on the couch. I am still in dread of it but Christian said we will do something in the morning as that is my most difficult part of the day. We will then go to the herb shop, which is located in another quaint town which I am fortunate to live near, because they have a Mother’s Day Open House which I greatly enjoy. We will then probably stroll around the town and stop for ice cream at the Popcorn Shoppe which is next to the falls. After that we will walk down the steep steps to the falls. – Michelle