Art by Michelle Buchheit-Schill
Since last fall it seems to be one thing or another. I have mentioned that John and my father will give me a hard time every once in awhile. I am told they do this so I “get it out of my system”. What they mean is, every past hurt and trauma that I have not dealt with, they sort of reenact to get me angry. It seems that once I have conquered one thing they find something else. Don’t get me wrong, they give me a couple weeks of happiness, but that is about it.
The last time I spoke with my dad he said, “you need to have it out with me more often”. What??? I know it has been twenty years since he crossed over, but I find it hard to go from knowing I cannot even look at him the wrong way to this. I have, however, told him off a couple times.
John has gone from being brutally blunt in his physical life to being full of crap since he crossed over. I used to get angry at his lack of filter but now I get angry because he has forgotten how to be honest.
I have been told repeatedly by John, my Higher Self and my Spirit Guides that my health is improved. I have been told that I must be positive about this and believe. Well, I just had a very long and wonderful remission. During this remission I was naive enough to believe that I was healed. I felt like I did ten years ago. I was actually living as healthy people do. I went so far as to make plans with my brother, which I am very much looking forward to. Guess what? Last week I got sick again. I spent all day Tuesday sleeping. I thought I was beginning to feel a bit better only for Saturday to roll around where I did nothing but sleep. Not to mention the headaches are back. I suppose it could be worse and the rest of my body be in pain, as is usual with this illness.
So, what is my darling eldest child’s response as to why I am sick again? “You need to be more positive about your health.” Again, a load of crap. When I called him out on this he said that it is due to the fact that I have been very negative about my body. Now, this is very true.
First of all, I don’t like being in a physical body. I never have. They are cramped, heavy and cumbersome. During the physical life, the physical body suffers much and then when it is time to exit and go home, it usually occurs with the body having to suffer one final time. Like being hung because you are accused of being a witch, which then has the effect of over four hundred years later the current body cannot even stand to wear a turtle neck. This was a problem as a child because it was the 70’s, turtlenecks were popular and my mom kept forcing me to wear them.
Secondly, I had gotten myself into a conversation regarding diet and weight. This is not something someone who suffered with severe anorexia for fifteen years should ever do. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. After four pregnancies, being middle aged and having health problems, my body is no where near what it once was.
Thirdly, since I was feeling so good, I decided to go back to doing yoga. In 2012, before my illness became severe, I worked out constantly and ate well. I weighed 112 lbs, which is not bad for a woman in her later forties. When I became too ill to work out, I started to do yoga to keep limber but I found added benefits to it and really enjoy it. I then became to ill to do even the simplest poses and had to quit. I cannot begin to express how happy I was to return to yoga. The problem was that my stomach now gets in the way of certain poses and, needless to say, this has been eating away at me.
So, this is where the dangling carrot syndrome comes in. Every time my family in Spirit gives me a hard time, I deal with an issue, then get some peace only for something else to come up. This is also happening with my illness now. It appears that no matter what I do, it is just not good enough. This is the story of my life since day one.
It has gotten to the point that what used to be my passion (Spirituality and mediumship), is now something I dread. I used to help other grieving mothers by giving them readings. I gave that up. I now get to the point where I do not even want to talk to my children who are in Spirit. What grieving mother would not want that?
I used to think that my life’s purpose had something to do with Spirituality. In fact, John pretty much laid out the plan for me after he crossed over. Now, I no longer believe what he says and, since I have lost my passion, I feel that my purpose is to kick up my feet and relax while I wait to return to the Spirit Realm, which is not too long.
I have learned that if I am upset or depressed to avoid communicating with Spirit, especially my son, John. I have not spoken with anyone in Spirit since Friday because I am very depressed due to empty nest syndrome. My youngest son, Christian, is in California with his girlfriend. He has hardly been home since last July. He calls me Friday to inform me that he will be going with his girlfriend to Finland, going to school there and finding a job. The earliest I will see him is Christmas. Now that John knows everything his little brother does, I must avoid him every time my maternal sensibilities are hurt.
The only thing that I really want to do these days is my art. Creating is the only thing that makes me truly happy now. I have no one left to cook for, sew for, or care for. I have no purpose other than my art, so that is what I do. – Michelle